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Monthly Archives: September 2013

Management Humor

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.  The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you one wish each.” “Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.  “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

If you had purchased $1,000 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would be worth $67.37 today.  If you would have taken that same $1,000 and purchased Budweiser (the beer, not the stock), drank all the beer and redeemed each bottle for the nickel deposit, you would have $78.95.
The moral of the story…..  Drink heavily and recycle

 

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A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog’s chest.  After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, but your dog has passed away.” “What?” screamed the man.  “How can you tell? You haven’t done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!”  With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador retriever. The Retriever went right to work, sniffing and prodding, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, “Bark”. 

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, “Meow.” He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.  The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog’s owner went berserk.  “$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!”  

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. “If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan….

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The American and the Japanese corporate offices for a large multi-national corporation decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese team won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.

The consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So, as race day neared again the following year, the American team’s management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four

steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American office laid-off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

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This guy gets a parrot but it’s got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird’s attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The parrot steps out and says, “I’m sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. The guy’s astounded at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, “By the way, may I ask – what did the chicken do?”

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Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result – all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

 

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

Why not?

Because as far as they know that’s the way it’s always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.

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Source: https://www2.bc.edu/~radinr/Management_Humor/jokes.htm

 

 

2. Lawyer Humor

http://lookmumimalawyer.tumblr.com/

Thanks to Sheryl for recommending this to me.

 

3, MBA Humor

http://www.abcformbas.com/

 

4. http://www.jokes4us.com/animaljokes/managementlessonjoke.html

Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?” The crow answered: “Sure why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the
rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.
“They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and
found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch
of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the
second branch. Finally after a  fourth night, there he was proudly perched
at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot
the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson Number Three
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The
brain said, “I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses
and functions.” The feet said, ” We should be Boss as we carry the brain
about and get him to where he wants to go. The hands said, “We should be
the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.” And so it went
on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole
spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.
So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet
twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the
motion was passed.

Management Lesson:
You don’t need brains to be a Boss – any asshole will do.

Lesson Number Four
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a
cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in
the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was
actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began
to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out. Then he ate him!

Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

 

 

 

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1. Where are you from

2. What skills you bring

3. How I first became interested (in this area of focus)

4. Where you’d like to be

Sample A

HELLO (XXX), my name is (_____________).  I’m a second year student in (XXXX University, studying (____________________).   I hope to pursue a career in  (____________________).

When I was 15, I was first introduced to the social sector by volunteering at a National Library Board programme known as ‘kidsREAD’. I got to interact with children from different backgrounds, and I saw how my weekly two-hours had a hand in nurturing these children. I saw how some initially shy children would slowly warm up to you, sometimes taking as long as five sessions. I saw how the bolder ones became more confident. In the three years I volunteered for kidsREAD, I saw children who were barely recognise words, stand in front of everyone, confidently reading out loud. I developed patience and understanding through interaction with children. Amidst the sessions, I learnt to deal with unforeseen circumstances and calmly take actions to curb them. I can confidently say that with my experience in dealing with children through my years of volunteerism and internship will push me to achieve excellence in this sector. (JJVQ)

Sample B

Someone who wants to start her own company

Hi good morning, my name is  XXXXXXXX. I am currently pursuing a degree at XYZ   University. I have a passion in designing, marketing and advertising. I am currently a freelance graphic designer and worked with companies like XX, YY, ZZ. Over the years, I’ve also been improving myself by learning how to do web design, and I’ve been helping several SMEs with their corporate website.

I major in Entrepreneurship during my study at ABC College  and have since been very keen in starting my own business. During my internship with Youth Enterprise Academy, I was mentored by the CEO who shared with me  the importance of delivering value to my clients. With knowledge in finance, marketing, accounting, operations and all aspects, I am really looking forward to starting my own business in the near future, and right now I’m looking for opportunities to expand my network and looking forward to more collaborations. (LMYG)

Havard Business School 

1. Describe who you are

2. Describe what you do

3. Why you’re unique (what do you offer that others don’t)

4. Describe your goal (what are you asking of the listener)

Sample C

Information Systems

Hi My name is XXX.  I am an undergraduate student of XYZUniversity majoring in Information Systems Management. Additionally, I am taking up Organizational Behavior and Human Resources as my 2nd major.  My focus is in pursuing the alignment of business and information technology across business functions within the organization. For instance, during my recent internship with AXXX  Consulting, I had worked on a project with the business performance department to improve the existing working process.  Despite being an intern, the company adopted my recommendations, and was able to reduce their operational costs by 20% last year. Knowing that  (your company)  has a similar department, I hope to make similar contributions.  (WT)

Sample D

Accountancy

My name is XXX and I am a second year XYZ University student undertaking a double degree in Accountancy and Business. I enjoy accountancy and  I am known for my ability to deliver quality work and yet maintain good ties with my coworkers.  Recently I led a team of 18 to organise an event attended by more than 2,000 students. Not only was the event well received, I was able to earn the respect of my peers because I believe in practicing what I preach, and setting a good model for others.

Sample E

Hello. My name is  XXX. I am an undergraduate at ABC  University studying accountancy. I will be graduating in 2 years times and will be looking for an auditing role in an assurance and advisory company in China.

When it comes to work, I have an eye for details.  This is exemplified during one of the audits I did with my assurance and advisory team at the University Club.  During one of the financial audits we conducted, I discovered a lapse in the internal control of a club with a clean track record. This was an unexpected find, as other team members had checked the records and not noticed anything amiss. The lapse would have potentially opened up loopholes in the fund-raising claims.  Although it was a tiring process to reevaluate the effectiveness of the measures that were already in place, I realized the need to improve their controls. After a week of discussion, my team and I eventually came up with a new set of controls that significantly reduced the risks of the lapse happening again.

After I graduate, I hope to land a career in the assurance and advisory sector. With the experience that I have already gained from the school’s assurance and advisory team, I am certain that I will be able to make significant contributions to the organization.

Sample F

(Law)

My name is XXX, I am an undergraduate in ABC  University pursuing a degree in law. I am very interested in the Legal Aid Sector in Singapore and hope to get a chance to intern at the Legal Aid Bureau. I am actively involved in the ABC’s Pro Bono Club which involves working with the underprivileged, unable to afford legal services, allowing me to understand the workings of the Legal Aid System.

Currently, I am also taking part in the University Court Friends Scheme (UCF) which involves us volunteers being attached to the various sectors in the Subordinate Courts. I am now attached to the Criminal Law Registry in the XXXX Subordinate Courts, assisting the various departments in administrative as well as hands-on work. Through this experience, I believe that I have developed better interpersonal skills due to the variety of people that come to the Crime Clinic to file complains. I believe that this is highly useful if I were to intern at the Legal Aid Bureau, as interpersonal skills are very important for people in the Legal Aid sector as most of the legal aid clinic’s “clients” would be underprivileged people and one needs to have the good interpersonal skills to deal with the different types of people that approach us. With all the soft skills that I have obtained though the various times I’ve volunteered to do Pro-Bono work, together with the knowledge I have gained through law school, I feel that if I get this chance to intern at the Legal Aid Clinic, I can learn a lot from this experience and maybe in the future decide to pursue a career in the Legal Aid Bureau. I hope you will consider giving me a chance to intern at the Legal Aid Bureau. (BC)

Sample G

Finance sector

Hi, my name is XXX. I am a first year ABC University student doing double degree in Business Management and Accountancy.

For instance, I love investing and analysing stocks to see stock prices fluctuate, and understanding the fundamental reasons behind them. This passion draws me to join the ABC University-Student Managed Investment Fund, interact with like-minded peers and seniors, monitor stocks in various exchanges, especially in  the Technology, Media and Telco Sector. Personally, I also manage a basket of stocks with an average 8% return.

Apart from investing, I like to be around people, and am actively involved in organising events, such as the inaugural ABC Scholars Camp. As the Finance Director of the Camp, I overlook all finance-related matters, accounting for all expenses and preparing budgets, working with the different teams.

Another event that broadened my perspective was my first Overseas Community Service project to Chiang Rai, Thailand. For the first time, I spent 2 weeks staying in rural villages, experiencing their simple pleasures and constructing a school for the children. This was a very fruitful and meaningful journey to give back to the community. (GZC)