A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you one wish each.” “Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
If you had purchased $1,000 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would be worth $67.37 today. If you would have taken that same $1,000 and purchased Budweiser (the beer, not the stock), drank all the beer and redeemed each bottle for the nickel deposit, you would have $78.95.
The moral of the story….. Drink heavily and recycle
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, but your dog has passed away.” “What?” screamed the man. “How can you tell? You haven’t done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!” With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador retriever. The Retriever went right to work, sniffing and prodding, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, “Bark”.
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, “Meow.” He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog’s owner went berserk. “$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!”
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. “If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan….
The American and the Japanese corporate offices for a large multi-national corporation decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese team won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
The consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.
So, as race day neared again the following year, the American team’s management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four
steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American office laid-off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
This guy gets a parrot but it’s got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird’s attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The parrot steps out and says, “I’m sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. The guy’s astounded at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, “By the way, may I ask – what did the chicken do?”
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result – all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.
Because as far as they know that’s the way it’s always been done around here.
And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.
2. Lawyer Humor
Thanks to Sheryl for recommending this to me.
3, MBA Humor
Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?” The crow answered: “Sure why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the
rabbit and ate it.
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.
“They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and
found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch
of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the
second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched
at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot
the turkey out of the tree.
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
Lesson Number Three
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The
brain said, “I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses
and functions.” The feet said, ” We should be Boss as we carry the brain
about and get him to where he wants to go. The hands said, “We should be
the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.” And so it went
on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole
spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.
So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet
twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the
motion was passed.
You don’t need brains to be a Boss – any asshole will do.
Lesson Number Four
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a
cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in
the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was
actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began
to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out. Then he ate him!
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!